Summa cum laude, smarty pants, no match for mama’s lessons,

Taught me love feels closer to destruction than perfection,

No one ever held my heart with gentle hands or with intention.

Lover girl, cold, cruel world, mistaken lust for soul connection,

Softest heart, mini skirt, full metal jacket for protection,       

So what?  I keep on trying to suck love from his erection?

He’s telling me that on my knees is my prettiest reflection,

Gaze up at him adoringly, confused, perpetual perplex-ion,

After all, aren’t they the same, this pain and his affection?

His warm green eyes, ice cold, looking down, beg for his attention,

Sticks and stones please break my bones, we worship imperfection.

Ironically, he may be, both lock and key, my hell then my ascension.

Meganjeanjellybean Forrest 02/24/2024

7 generations of inherited trauma

Gifted to me by my mother, 

As the if the shame and guilt are a prize, 

Harrowing heirlooms of our ancestors, 

Handed down as holiness by our grandmothers,

Unspoken, unhealed, unloved fragments,

Split into slivers, bored into the skin of our souls. 

Disguised, coveted, protected, poisoned,

From cross to cradle to grave and over again,

Passed through the wrath of father’s belt like wisdom 

Whispered into the welts on his beloved, bleeding son,

Procreated by denial, determination and duty,

Trampled deep into the fabric of my DNA, 

By the broken in boots brandished by my father,

Pulling myself up first by my bootstraps, then the noose,

7 generations of trauma, handed down like a legacy, 

Seared into my thoughts, my mind, even into my fertility,

My mother still whispers so no one can hear her say,

“Wicked child, my wounds are your fault, I love you.”

I carried the weight of the wounds inflicted on her by my birth,

Chin up, in silence, dutifully, like my grandmother, 

Held held head high, lips pressed tightly, tortured. 

“Quiet, shhh!” My screams, they beg for freedom,

500 pills poured down my choking throat gag them,  

Seeping out, escaping, dripping with the blood, 

Self inflicted wounds on my 17 year old wrists, 

Buried again under the kissed on stitches and scars, 

Birthed into the beautiful blue eyes of my daughter. 

Echoing in my child’s protests as she is ripped out of my arms,

My ancestors were never allowed to speak their truth, 

It has become my purpose to scream the good news.

7 generations of trauma begin to unravel in my truth.

I was sent to lead the liberation of my family line- 

I begin to remember the truth of my ancestral role- 

I was sent to hold a torch and speak the truth.

The truth is:  

Before I was an independent, modern day woman, 

Longing for the illusion of a lover raised by an unwounded 

father, 

Before the touch of that sick soul on my 4 year old flesh, 

Before war became a game played by politicians, 

Before youth and death was indiscernible from pride and profit, 

Before true love became dollar signs and bit coin banks

Before the world forgot it’s sacred divinity,

My soul made a choice: go and show them how to be free: 

Somehow I begin to hear my ancestors whispering truth: 

The truth is: 

I am soft and sweet, so resilience and love become my weapons, 

My sticky, heavy, dirty soul is worthy of love, is love,

You and I are love, a direct expressions of God, 

Intentional creations of a loving creator, 

Universal truth of the divine, as above so below, 

As within, so without, the truth is: 

I cannot wipe my daughters slate perfectly clean, 

I gifted her the same wounds of 7 generations: 

And I will gift her the breaking of a cycle: 

I will speak honestly about the wounds I bestowed on her, 

I will own that responsibility,

I will teach her the things I had to bleed to learn, 

I will set ten thousand fires and burn 10,000 times

Showing her how to rise in strength from ashes, 

I can show her that courage and compassion are king,

I can show her how to remain rooted even in fear,

I can show her the courage to not fear her shadow, 

Acquaint her to the army of her ancestors:

I will teach her to walk, talk and breathe her truth, 

And show her how sitting with the broken teaches more 

valuable lessons than dining with the rich. 

I cannot take away the reality of the pain I caused, 

But I can be an example of how to love without fear.  

To find confidence through humility and gratitude,

She will know the truth is: love is the truth. 

God is love, so we are love.

I will rise for her, no longer broken, but whole: 

So her great great great granddaughter will be born free. 

Free from the 7 generations of trauma, passed down from 

My mother to me. 

Purgatory Princess

 Nestled in nightmares, he never wakes me,

Slow hands makes sinning feel like safety,

His grasp, my guilt, they tease and trace me, 

Obstinance and orgasms are all that  shake me, 

Avoiding the truth just like the plague he,

Flicks his forked tongue to taste me, 

My soul spotless like a dirty rape scene,  

War and whiskey will not save me. 

Succumb to shame, his lust overtakes me, 

My demon, my darkness, will not forsake thee.

Slither down to damnation, I decay here safely, 

Supply his salvation, still he won’t embrace me,

Forehead kiss, bloody, bruised, on scraped knees,

Grip on my thigh, round my neck, restore my sanity,

Punishment and the past marked my misdeeds,

Discard my discernment, demean me to ecstasy, 

Choking and tears, until I can’t breathe, 

Slaughter me with seduction, tight sweet misery, 

He promises me pleasure, pending death and eternity. 

Undone

 Reflected recognition, parts of me in your eyes, 

Intense and intently you’re parting my thighs,

Falling for the freedom, feel me from inside, 

Forget all my fear, free the truth that I hide, 

Ravaged, reckless and wretched, so seductive and sweet,

Careful to be careless, our hearts may not meet, 

Dirty mouths and my moans muffle all doubt, 

Mesmerize me, patronize me, redemption sells out,

Fingertips forging fires, scratches slip down your spine,

Melting minds, bodies breathe,  intimately intertwined, 

Whatever you crave, crawl to you on my knees, 

Bring you to the brink, possess me as you please,

Pin me down, tie me up, erotic ruthless and rough,

On my long legs you linger, teased by each touch,

Taste myself on your lips, your soul under my tongue,

Inhaling my screams, I come, completely undone.

I understand the game, pain, disconnection, the whys,

On my soul, understand, you never needed to lie,

It’s not about what we say or we promise each other,

It’s about who’s by our side when it’s time to bury our mothers,

Who does not fear the silence if you don’t have the words,

Who can display they have heart, not just  pretend that they heard,

It’s who grabs onto your hand when the noose slips over your neck, 

Who challenges you to be better, who keeps your demons in check,

Who meets you on your knees when the pain makes you crawl,

Who pulls you out of the flames even when you lit up the walls, 

Who reminds you you’re gold when you don’t have a dime,

Who reels you back in when you’re losing in your mind,

Will they walk with you through hell to know your eyes and your soul,

Will they show you love even when you are cruel and cold, 

Do they talk to God about you while you sleep on their chest,

Do you trust them to be there when you force out the rest? 

Do they remain solid, up and down, through and through, 

Did you already know that the opposite is exactly what you’d do? 

When your two halves fight inside you, one truth, one liar,

Do you care that I suffer and burn after you set me on fire,

You run from yourself, numb with the bottle, her touch,

Keep settling for less, I’ll keep being love, keep being too much.

Confused by the way you smile when we,

Grab onto each other, like you almost feel free,

Always holding your breath like you’re under water,

Forget you’re a son of God and I am a daughter,

We come so close to destroying our demons,

Yet Fucking and fear won’t lead us to freedom, 

Feel you so deeply I believe it’s the truth,

Yet I felt the same way when I tightened that noose,

The rush of your skin when you slide right inside me,

You take all my pain, fuck me til I can’t see,

You stop holding your breath when my arms are around you, 

Like you’re finally home, can’t tell me that’s not true.

Collapse into me, my nails leave marks on your back,

We don’t rest when we’re wicked, I know this is fact. 

DNR

I was created to be a lover in a wasteland of souls, 

But my tits on your back can’t make you feel whole,

Your touch and your lips sweetly set me on fire, 

Yet your touch is not truth, fuck feelings, they lie, 

Trace your skin with my fingers, just confuses the facts,

You say that it’s you but I know it’s your mask, 

You’ve worn it so long, do you know what is real? 

If we run with our demons, we are destined to fail, 

We find comfort in Hell, we don’t know how to trust,

Scratch my nails down your back, controlled by my lust, 

Conflicted and cold, finally feel something again, 

Disconnected and bold, naked thoughts, skin on skin,

Crawling to you on hot coals, alive from the burn,

I give in, you get lost, left me waiting for my turn,

Hypnotized by your voice and the taste of your tongue,

Loyal to you and my pain, loaded, ready to run,

Soaked and stained by the past, our sins never come clean, 

You can’t show me your heart if you don’t want to be seen.