Cast Away

He says the silence up in Heaven soothes like none I’ve ever heard, 
                                                                                               He whispers poison in my ears, sounds far from the absurd,

I can show you how to ease the pain, he croons to me with knowing eyes,

He’s not a martyr or a saint, he fills my mind with truth, his kisses, and his lies, 

I devour every syllable, though I dare not ask his wicked name,                                                                   

He never lets me talk to God, he said our souls they are the same,                                                                            

He wraps me in a grave of guilt, his needs mirror to me my own,                                    

After all we share the shameful pain, of being cast away from home, 

With him I fear I need no other, as red coals blister my hands and knees, 

Tells me I love the way it burns, I can only utter “please.”

Before him I long to kneel, I lose myself in his eyes and in the crowd, 

My pain is home, no place like it, we martyr pain as if we're proud, 

Even fools can have it all, casually binding my hands while he recalls, 

His lovemaking akin to the quiet sound, of my sweet soul being mauled, 

I scarcely even seem to notice, his gentle breaking of my brittle bones, 

I take his hand and his promise, tells me I’ll never be alone, 

Consuming lies off silver spoons, squandering whats left of time,                                             

Never furloughed from his side, you see, only the Devil calls me “mine.”

My sinful side stumbled on your arrant attraction, 

The way you bit your lip was a welcome distraction,

My bare ego naive, engaged by flattery and flirtations,

I never learned to distinguish love from damnation, 

Surreptitiously sweet as if you didn’t once crave my attention,

If you fucked me for a month you’d rethink your direction.

Yet I barely recall those moments of skin, intertwined,

I don’t overthink shallow things, like your body on mine,

I forgot I can’t swim til I scraped my knees on the bottom, 

I still choke on the words, both unspoken and forgotten,  

If you knew you’d take me somewhere I’m not supposed to be, 

Would you disengage sooner so today I could walk free?

Or do you know me too well, how I am stubborn and raw, 

How I’m addicted to chaos, how I will still take your call. 

Would I go back to strangers to escape my own fate?

Placation with lies and as I say I don’t wait. 

 

 

  

Goodday

 Grief is wild experience. Gutted raw one moment, blood rushing through my beating heart, doubled over, sobbing, feeling as if my rib cage might crack open for the world to see... numb the next, blackness, stillness, staring at an empty by canvas just waiting for the next emotion to paint the next scene... (and man can I make a scene, just ask my family or those I let close to me.) In the next instant I succumb to feelings of pure joy, laughing and smiling as I drift through the memories of kindness, connection and love. Overwhelming gratitude fills my soul, that a life has touched mine so deeply. I try to pause to thank the universe for those rare people who come into my life and show me grace and share wisdom and their truth.  I feel so vulnerable and open... and just as quickly I am then usurped by fear and utter disbelief. I feel it all at once, and then in a moment I feel nothing at all. I don’t know how to do this, to walk through this without something to put me on autopilot. My body feels clumsy and awkward, and I don’t know what to do with my hands or feet.  I begin to understand how beautiful that unknown can be.  I am in awe by how much power there is in love, a power that prevails over even the greatest pain. It must, or we would never ever open our hearts to one another and risk the tidal waves of emotion that come when it is time to say “until we meet again.” I am so incredibly lucky, or maybe stupid, or maybe brave, or all of the above, to believe with all my being that love is the most powerful energy ever created. I am so humbled to stand at a place in my life where I have been given the gift of understanding that pain is temporary, and it only exists in such a raw and borderline violent form because today I have real love, and I have relentless hope, and I have been given the grace of forgiveness and a heart that is soft but strong. My heart is broken, but I am still whole. Yes, grief is a wild emotion, but love truly binds the Universe together. I love you, my friends. Thank you for sharing your lives with me.  💔♥️