Your love wreaked sweet havoc in my soul,


Your hastened lust what made me wet


I the poisoned apple of your eye


Your face I anguish to forget,



I'm the careless thorn that pierced your crown,

I drown my sorrows with 100 proof,

You're a hangover that won't let go,

,

I'm a headache you cant seem to lose


I once did tremble at the trace of your fingertips,


you once bent to my every whim


you made my heart as cold as ice,


You’re world I no longer spin,


You used to slide in just like silk,


My breasts once made your head turn,


now you're touch just makes me sick


And I am last night’s razor burn


your lips used to be my inspiration


my taste used to be your truth


now lying to myself is my salvation


My name a bad taste in your mouth


I laid my body on the line


I staked it to the ground


You set fire to my soul


so I set fire to your town


Once a lighthouse in your storm,


you made me explode without a sound


now I sit on the edge of town


I watch it burn you to the ground



Megan Forrest,

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra) - official video

If I would have known

So I wrote this... its actually going to be a song I have a friend working on the music. Keep your ears out people. Hope lives.

Two years ago about mid november,

I was sitting on a picnic table outside of the bar
I wasn’t lookin for someone,
but the loneliness got me wonderin where you are
I reached out for a hand in the dark,
sent a message straight to your cell phone
you responded quite quickly,
said you couldn’t come you had the kids at home
if I would have known then,
that I’d be sitting here just tryin to catch my breath
maybe I wouldn’t have called you,
Perhaps I wouldn’t respond to your next steps,
About six months later,
I said the words you had waited to hear,
I told you I loved you,
Even though you knew loving was my greatest fear,
You held me so close,
You whispered that everything would be okay,
You made me believe you,
You said you’d love me forever if I’d just stay,
If I would have known then,
Just about how far that I would fall,
Maybe I wouldn’t have called you,
Perhaps I would have thrown away it all,
So about two years later,
I am sitting on the couch inside what used to be home,
I still aint lookin for someone
But the loneliness echos the sweet words that you spoke,
I shouldn’t wonder what happened,
You were supposed to just be wasting my time,
Til I found that someone,
I never wanted to let you say she’s mine,
If I would have known then,
How you would have taken my heart and ran,
Maybe I wouldn’t have called you,
Maybe I would still know how to stand,
But instead I listened,
I drank your words in as if they were wine
I got drunk on your promises,
Now I am only a simple waste of your time,
If I would have known then, Just how far I would fall,
I wouldn’t take back a day,
No I wouldn’t change a thing at all.

Ozzy Osbourne Mama I'm Coming Home music video

The Last Road Home

Four-thousand plus miles, a tear for every one, a laugh for every 10, and a smile to complete the journey. Today anyhow, as I sit here in my room, three hours from the town I fled, my love sleeping beside me and my other love tumbling inside me. I do not think this will be an earth shattering entry, or a soul revealing monologue of the days since I have last written to you. Just a page to keep writing, to remind myself to let it out, to keep being honest, and to never forget the last two months journey into and out of my own personal hell. I am ready to go home. I finally have let it go, the anger, the betrayal, the enormous weight I carried with me through so many miles of my adventure. Little by little I began to heal, to break, and to heal again. I write now with a sense of peace, of nervousness, of excitment, and of faith in where the lessons I have learned will take me, and for what trials and joys lie ahead. I stood in the Gulf of Mexico, and laid it all down at God's feet. I asked for forgiveness, I asked for guidance, I asked for the ability to forgive, I asked for the ability to guide, and to allow myself to let this all go, to listen to God, and to always remember my faith lies in Him. I realized how I had placed my burdens upon the shoulders of a human who could not bear the weight, and had placed my faith in a human who could not lead the way. No man is built to be able to pull the rope of my despair, withstand the strength of my love, and understand the demons which I fight every day. The only being who was built to know my soul and my heart to the deepest extent is the Lord Almighty. The only shoulders who can bear my grief, tolerate my pain, and have patience enough to withstand it all until the days my happiness is king, is our King. My light never goes out in my darkenss, as I have been told numerous times by so many that I am amazing, and strong, and I inspire them with my strength. If I can light the way, even if only for a step, for other people with my misdirection and mistakes, then each moment of anguish was worth the struggle. I would go through this pain a thousand times over to reach the peace I have found in my heart. Do not mistake me, however, because I still hurt. I am not simply letting go of a man, but I am letting go of a dream. It is easy to let go when you have never come as close as I, but when for even a second, I had it in my hand, it is so hard to let it go. The moment I knew I was pregnant, I saw my future pass before my eyes. I saw the kisses on my belly, I saw the tears of joy in his eyes as he first held our child, I saw the look of pure love he gave me for giving him such a gift, I saw the smile on his face at the end of the aisle, I saw our first dance as husband and wife, I tasted the salt from his tears as we watched our first child be married, I felt the feel of his old wrinkled hands holding mine long after our children had left home, and felt the last breath I took in this world as he held me, his face unrecognizable with age except for those blue eyes. I saw it all, and it was beautiful. For that one moment, even though I knew our current situation was not perfect, I still trusted the imperfection that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Now even his blue eyes are unrecognizable, and as hard as I try to imagine how it felt when he looked at me with love, I can hardly see that face. I can only see the one that would barely make eye contact, the one who's eyes had all but closed the door to his soul, the eyes that lied to me saying I don't love you anymore, and even if I do not believe it myself, I choose to walk away and choose to believe that it is not worth it, that we are not worth it, and that you are not worth it. The hardest part was wondering why, why a man I loved so much could give up on me, could set my world on fire and leave me to burn, could add gasoline to the already out of control flames knowing that whether he poured it directly onto me or passed it to another, that I would suffer, and hurt, and that no matter how many tears I cried I could not put it out. I finally realized that it doesn't matter why, all that matters is he did not care enough to let himself care, and that my pain was not as important as him running from his pain. Realizing this, that his actions have so little to do with me, and so much to do with him, I am able to truly begin to heal. If his actions were a result of me, and his pain were all my doing, then he would have trusted me enough to let me know how he felt before it was at the point of no return. Instead he made one of the biggest decisions of our lives for me, and I never ever had a say. I thought I would always be burning, but again I was wrong. I admit I was wrong, and I was able to put out that fire because I was able to forgive myself and forgive him. Honestly, without regret, and with the intention set forth for love in my life, for myself and for other human beings. Without forgiveness, I would be the one who suffers, the one who poisoned my own soul, and the one left in agony. I gave it all to God, and I am not taking it back. So please, if you know me, and know my story, pray for all involved, pray for him, pray for our children, pray for the ones who have helped lift me up and find my way. I have let go, and I now move on. Thank you.

Honesty

Put your faith in God not man. Accept people are faulted. Believe when they hurt you it is because of who they are not who you are. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Ask for help. When you fall or fall short apologize with sincerity and get up and try again. Give second chances. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Appreciate beauty and try to remember without pain you could never truly appreciate joy. Never stop loving. That's honesty.

Sexual Healing

F-ING AMAZING.

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus || Spoken Word

THIS MAN IS AMAZING.

Today I Rise

Day 268 of my journey OUT of hell. 

Ok, ok, you got me.  Its still only been a month.  Today I focus on the life inside me.  Today I smile.  Today I laugh at the childish behavior of the people who wish to see me fail every day.  Today I defy them.  Today I got called a cunt.  Today I own that name, because I have never, at least to my face, been called that.  Today I am proud of that name, because today I stood up for myself and, in the spirit of kindness, let someone know the shit being talked about them due to their black hole that is their lack of maturity, and although I did not say it in the kindest way, it was honest.  Today I am a cunt, if that is what you call a person who sticks up for themselves when people who once posed as friends make it their daily mission to tear down my sense of worth, only failing miserably to realize that the only people they are succeeding in hurting is themselves, then yes, I am a CUNT.

Don't get me wrong, there is a sting, as when you love someone, as I love someone, which is with all my heart and soul, its hard to accept that that person never was the person you believed them to be.  It is hard to put your faith into someone, and to find that all along they were waiting for you to fail.  That every smile was false, and they were not brave enough to be honest with you.  The faith I am speaking of is not the faith you put into a lover's relationship, because when an ex lover makes up their mind that they are hurt, you expect them to lash out as sad as it is. A friend however, to whom you have never had anything but faith in, and the last time that person looked at you was with a smile and outstretched arms to hug you, and then you turn around and feel the cold steel of the knife trying to cut into you.  I am sorry, did my back break your knife, because while it stings where you broke the skin, you will not, and cannot cut me any deeper, because all I feel for you is pity.  Pity that you call yourself a friend yet do not know what it is like to be one, pity that obviously you don't know a what a true friend is to you, one who will watch you screw up, pick you up, tell you where you screwed up, and love you anyway. 

You only have to sit back and watch how a person treats the people who have left their lives, no matter who does the leaving, to know that you are not immune to the same treatment when you fall out of favor.  I made that mistake, because I once thought I was immune.  I can hold my head high, regardless of my previous beggar whore status in my last catharsis.  I know everything I did was out of love, and I will not sink to the level of hatred.  My heart may have wretched disgusting pain, but the only thing that is larger than that is love, and the combination of both leaves no room for hatred.  Only sadness, sadness is the another slice of the pie that beats within my chest.  (Mmm pie, I am pregnant do not forget.) Sadness that slowly, each day, becomes less about me and more about those who try to destroy me.  Sadness that lives can be so empty that my pain is what fills their worlds, and they mistake my pain as their joy.  They pat themselves on the back, and give one another cheers.  "Way to go, you sure showed her, the woman who would have walked through hell for you, who never turned her back, who was honest and kind and loved you to the ends of the earth and beyond, the woman who loved your children, who gave you her heart and soul, and more importantly her trust, the one you never had the courage to tell you were unhappy, the woman who boosted your ego until it was so large that she no longer fit inside your arms. Way to show her!"

Show me what? That while I am not a better human being than you, but I have better actions?  Show me how thankful I am that I do not gloat in others misery, and their feelings, no matter who they are and what they have done, matter? That I choose to do my best not to contribute to the misery of this already wretched world of greed, pride, self loathing, and hatred?  That when I do fall short I admit my mistakes, apologize with sincerity, and strive to make the wrong I have created right?  Thanks for showing me guys (and lady).   Thanks for showing me who my true friends are, and saving me the trouble of believing your lies any longer.  Thank you for turning your backs, because I would not want to gaze on your face lest I turn into stone from the ugliness that seeps from your soul.  Thank you for giving me the strength to own the name cunt, and to learn how to stand up for myself in the face of opposition and to truly know that I am the one who is strong, who is beautiful, and who is a true friend.  Because a true friend lets you know why they walk away before they do it. 

When people tell you can do better, you believe it.   When people tell me I can do better, they believe it. When I tell myself you are better, I begin to doubt it. When you tell yourself you can do better, you may believe it, but you are beginning to doubt it.  Otherwise you wouldn't need the approval of the minions to boost your confidence in your decision, you would remain silent, choose the higher road, and move on quietly.  Instead you choose to make noise and scream "Everyone look at me I am fine! I left!  I am right!  Agree with me! I know no pain!" And that, with no regard for the life inside, me, the life that you stood up and said you wanted.  Your actions show nothing close to that want, for as you tear down the mother, you tear down the child inside her, as we are two souls within one body.  You cannot even handle your own soul with respect right now.

I choose to speak, but I speak in truth, I admit I am not perfect, I admit I was not perfect to you, or to myself, or to our children, but I recognize this and vow to do better, for the children I have left to love, and for myself.  I refuse to lie and say "I am fine, look at me, I never cared, and I never will."  I say "I am hurt, I am broken, I am not fine, but I will be ok, I will be fine, and I will be mended, when I am ready, but now I mourn, now I cry, and now I begin to pick up the pieces, but I will never disrespect the parts that will someday, I hope, remain the truth, not the lie I think it might have been, of what was once crazybeautifulimperfectpowerfullove." I respect the soul inside me, I respect my soul, and I still respect yours. I will not tear you down. How could I? I still love you, I will always love you, unconditionally.  I never said I would always like you though. And besides, ou are doing a fine job tearing yourself down.  The ones who agree with you, are lying to you same as they lied to me. Even the "lady" who you tried to convince me for so long was my friend, as I knew her before I knew you, was anything but, yet you still try to believe she is one to you. Someone like that is a friend to know one, and you say you hate drama, but that is all that fuels her life, and the lives of your minions.  If it was not, they would not bother to try to suck life out of my pain. 

Oh, and PS: a true friend will always realize their mistakes, and find that sincere apology, and a true friend, one of beauty and love, will always forgive. Because another slice of that beautiful pie beating inside my ches, that grows larger every day, is forgiveness.  I will always forgive, I will never turn my back, although I will no longer break it to show you who I am.  Forgiveness is something I can always grant, but there is only one of you who can ever hope to see my trust again.  And that is really pushing it at this point.

Today I Scar

Day 257 of my journey into the inner circle of hell...

Ok not really.  Its been just over a month, but it feels like hours pass within each minute.  If you have ever seen a jack-o-lantern about a week after halloween, hollow, its inside scraped clean, its crooked smile caving in, the light that once was inside it long gone, begging to be smashed in the street by wreckless teenagers... that is how I feel today. Hollow, my insides scraped and strewn about, wilted, tired, but still with a crooked sad smile.  If you dropped a pebble into me it would fall forever, and I am not sure if you would ever hear the splash of the reason the well was created in the first place... you could yell and you would only hear the echo of your own voice, misplaced and bouncing across the walls of insanity.

Speaking of insanity, I am done trying the same thing over and over and expecting it to change, for a heart to soften, for a mind to remember, for a dream to pick up at the same blissful moment that your alarm went off to awaken me to the reality that is my momentary eternity.  Which is what it is... it will only be a moment in this my life, and not even a blink of an eye in the grander scheme of things.  However, I can hardly describe it as grand in this breath, as I said, today, I have not a hope, not a dream, not a want, aside from the want to stop loving the way I do, to stop bleeding, to pass the stage of healing and to live as the scar.  But a scar only for a short while, as scars are not as strong as the original flesh they replace, they are weaker, more vulnerable to reinjury, and do not have the same ability to regenerate as unwounded tissue.  I will not be a scar, because when this is all over, when my heart does not travel between two souls, and returns to my chest, I will be stronger than I was, more determined not to compromise, more intent on finding something that is worth the pain.

But today, today I am tired.  Today I am aching. Today I want to run away, and never look back.  Today I stopped trying, and not for me, but for what once was.  Today I begin to accept for all its fire and screams and tears, that there is nothing left to save.  That maybe it was an illusion, all smoke and mirrors.  Maybe the mirror that didn't lie, the one who reflected my joy, was in fact the king of liars.  Because no matter how I fight, no matter how far I crawl through shards of glass, hoping to get to the other side, to be healed, I realize that all I have been crawling through was that mirror, exploding my false reality into what I can only assume was always a lie.  Because if it wasn't, if it was real, it would not be what it is now, because no one you love like I was loved would ever rip you apart and feed you to the wolves, wolves that you never knew were starving for their attention.  They would not steal your dignity and have you begging like a whore for even a glimpse of understanding into who they have become, why they do what they do, or why they would hand you your dream only to take it away and pretend it never was so.  I can only believe that who they were to me, was never who they really were.  That the good in me has been so blinded by wanting to believe it was really happening that I never actually saw what was really happening... and where my dream, where the only thing I have ever dreamed of having, being, feeling, loving, where that all turned into a nightmare from which I am waiting to wake up.

I have seen angels, I have awoken to a demon sitting on my chest. I smelled the sulfur and felt the claws, I could not move I could only pray, and I was not sleeping.  I had a fear inside me that paled in comparison to any hollywood illusion, but I would rather face that fear again and again than to have to look someone in the eye to whom I bared my soul, to whom I revealed all my weaknesses, who I would crawl through an eternity of broken glass mirrors to stop their pain, than to have to feel the betrayal and disbelief that I have gone through in this last 257 days of my journey through hell.  Any day of the year I would say I would go through it all again to feel that love, and to know I was loved like I believed I was, but today, I say no.  Today, I would rather have never felt that safe in the arms of someone who is, and maybe always has been, a stranger.  I would have never dropped my armor, and I would be bleeding, but it would not be my heart.