Today I Scar

Day 257 of my journey into the inner circle of hell...

Ok not really.  Its been just over a month, but it feels like hours pass within each minute.  If you have ever seen a jack-o-lantern about a week after halloween, hollow, its inside scraped clean, its crooked smile caving in, the light that once was inside it long gone, begging to be smashed in the street by wreckless teenagers... that is how I feel today. Hollow, my insides scraped and strewn about, wilted, tired, but still with a crooked sad smile.  If you dropped a pebble into me it would fall forever, and I am not sure if you would ever hear the splash of the reason the well was created in the first place... you could yell and you would only hear the echo of your own voice, misplaced and bouncing across the walls of insanity.

Speaking of insanity, I am done trying the same thing over and over and expecting it to change, for a heart to soften, for a mind to remember, for a dream to pick up at the same blissful moment that your alarm went off to awaken me to the reality that is my momentary eternity.  Which is what it is... it will only be a moment in this my life, and not even a blink of an eye in the grander scheme of things.  However, I can hardly describe it as grand in this breath, as I said, today, I have not a hope, not a dream, not a want, aside from the want to stop loving the way I do, to stop bleeding, to pass the stage of healing and to live as the scar.  But a scar only for a short while, as scars are not as strong as the original flesh they replace, they are weaker, more vulnerable to reinjury, and do not have the same ability to regenerate as unwounded tissue.  I will not be a scar, because when this is all over, when my heart does not travel between two souls, and returns to my chest, I will be stronger than I was, more determined not to compromise, more intent on finding something that is worth the pain.

But today, today I am tired.  Today I am aching. Today I want to run away, and never look back.  Today I stopped trying, and not for me, but for what once was.  Today I begin to accept for all its fire and screams and tears, that there is nothing left to save.  That maybe it was an illusion, all smoke and mirrors.  Maybe the mirror that didn't lie, the one who reflected my joy, was in fact the king of liars.  Because no matter how I fight, no matter how far I crawl through shards of glass, hoping to get to the other side, to be healed, I realize that all I have been crawling through was that mirror, exploding my false reality into what I can only assume was always a lie.  Because if it wasn't, if it was real, it would not be what it is now, because no one you love like I was loved would ever rip you apart and feed you to the wolves, wolves that you never knew were starving for their attention.  They would not steal your dignity and have you begging like a whore for even a glimpse of understanding into who they have become, why they do what they do, or why they would hand you your dream only to take it away and pretend it never was so.  I can only believe that who they were to me, was never who they really were.  That the good in me has been so blinded by wanting to believe it was really happening that I never actually saw what was really happening... and where my dream, where the only thing I have ever dreamed of having, being, feeling, loving, where that all turned into a nightmare from which I am waiting to wake up.

I have seen angels, I have awoken to a demon sitting on my chest. I smelled the sulfur and felt the claws, I could not move I could only pray, and I was not sleeping.  I had a fear inside me that paled in comparison to any hollywood illusion, but I would rather face that fear again and again than to have to look someone in the eye to whom I bared my soul, to whom I revealed all my weaknesses, who I would crawl through an eternity of broken glass mirrors to stop their pain, than to have to feel the betrayal and disbelief that I have gone through in this last 257 days of my journey through hell.  Any day of the year I would say I would go through it all again to feel that love, and to know I was loved like I believed I was, but today, I say no.  Today, I would rather have never felt that safe in the arms of someone who is, and maybe always has been, a stranger.  I would have never dropped my armor, and I would be bleeding, but it would not be my heart.