Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Today I Rise

Day 268 of my journey OUT of hell. 

Ok, ok, you got me.  Its still only been a month.  Today I focus on the life inside me.  Today I smile.  Today I laugh at the childish behavior of the people who wish to see me fail every day.  Today I defy them.  Today I got called a cunt.  Today I own that name, because I have never, at least to my face, been called that.  Today I am proud of that name, because today I stood up for myself and, in the spirit of kindness, let someone know the shit being talked about them due to their black hole that is their lack of maturity, and although I did not say it in the kindest way, it was honest.  Today I am a cunt, if that is what you call a person who sticks up for themselves when people who once posed as friends make it their daily mission to tear down my sense of worth, only failing miserably to realize that the only people they are succeeding in hurting is themselves, then yes, I am a CUNT.

Don't get me wrong, there is a sting, as when you love someone, as I love someone, which is with all my heart and soul, its hard to accept that that person never was the person you believed them to be.  It is hard to put your faith into someone, and to find that all along they were waiting for you to fail.  That every smile was false, and they were not brave enough to be honest with you.  The faith I am speaking of is not the faith you put into a lover's relationship, because when an ex lover makes up their mind that they are hurt, you expect them to lash out as sad as it is. A friend however, to whom you have never had anything but faith in, and the last time that person looked at you was with a smile and outstretched arms to hug you, and then you turn around and feel the cold steel of the knife trying to cut into you.  I am sorry, did my back break your knife, because while it stings where you broke the skin, you will not, and cannot cut me any deeper, because all I feel for you is pity.  Pity that you call yourself a friend yet do not know what it is like to be one, pity that obviously you don't know a what a true friend is to you, one who will watch you screw up, pick you up, tell you where you screwed up, and love you anyway. 

You only have to sit back and watch how a person treats the people who have left their lives, no matter who does the leaving, to know that you are not immune to the same treatment when you fall out of favor.  I made that mistake, because I once thought I was immune.  I can hold my head high, regardless of my previous beggar whore status in my last catharsis.  I know everything I did was out of love, and I will not sink to the level of hatred.  My heart may have wretched disgusting pain, but the only thing that is larger than that is love, and the combination of both leaves no room for hatred.  Only sadness, sadness is the another slice of the pie that beats within my chest.  (Mmm pie, I am pregnant do not forget.) Sadness that slowly, each day, becomes less about me and more about those who try to destroy me.  Sadness that lives can be so empty that my pain is what fills their worlds, and they mistake my pain as their joy.  They pat themselves on the back, and give one another cheers.  "Way to go, you sure showed her, the woman who would have walked through hell for you, who never turned her back, who was honest and kind and loved you to the ends of the earth and beyond, the woman who loved your children, who gave you her heart and soul, and more importantly her trust, the one you never had the courage to tell you were unhappy, the woman who boosted your ego until it was so large that she no longer fit inside your arms. Way to show her!"

Show me what? That while I am not a better human being than you, but I have better actions?  Show me how thankful I am that I do not gloat in others misery, and their feelings, no matter who they are and what they have done, matter? That I choose to do my best not to contribute to the misery of this already wretched world of greed, pride, self loathing, and hatred?  That when I do fall short I admit my mistakes, apologize with sincerity, and strive to make the wrong I have created right?  Thanks for showing me guys (and lady).   Thanks for showing me who my true friends are, and saving me the trouble of believing your lies any longer.  Thank you for turning your backs, because I would not want to gaze on your face lest I turn into stone from the ugliness that seeps from your soul.  Thank you for giving me the strength to own the name cunt, and to learn how to stand up for myself in the face of opposition and to truly know that I am the one who is strong, who is beautiful, and who is a true friend.  Because a true friend lets you know why they walk away before they do it. 

When people tell you can do better, you believe it.   When people tell me I can do better, they believe it. When I tell myself you are better, I begin to doubt it. When you tell yourself you can do better, you may believe it, but you are beginning to doubt it.  Otherwise you wouldn't need the approval of the minions to boost your confidence in your decision, you would remain silent, choose the higher road, and move on quietly.  Instead you choose to make noise and scream "Everyone look at me I am fine! I left!  I am right!  Agree with me! I know no pain!" And that, with no regard for the life inside, me, the life that you stood up and said you wanted.  Your actions show nothing close to that want, for as you tear down the mother, you tear down the child inside her, as we are two souls within one body.  You cannot even handle your own soul with respect right now.

I choose to speak, but I speak in truth, I admit I am not perfect, I admit I was not perfect to you, or to myself, or to our children, but I recognize this and vow to do better, for the children I have left to love, and for myself.  I refuse to lie and say "I am fine, look at me, I never cared, and I never will."  I say "I am hurt, I am broken, I am not fine, but I will be ok, I will be fine, and I will be mended, when I am ready, but now I mourn, now I cry, and now I begin to pick up the pieces, but I will never disrespect the parts that will someday, I hope, remain the truth, not the lie I think it might have been, of what was once crazybeautifulimperfectpowerfullove." I respect the soul inside me, I respect my soul, and I still respect yours. I will not tear you down. How could I? I still love you, I will always love you, unconditionally.  I never said I would always like you though. And besides, ou are doing a fine job tearing yourself down.  The ones who agree with you, are lying to you same as they lied to me. Even the "lady" who you tried to convince me for so long was my friend, as I knew her before I knew you, was anything but, yet you still try to believe she is one to you. Someone like that is a friend to know one, and you say you hate drama, but that is all that fuels her life, and the lives of your minions.  If it was not, they would not bother to try to suck life out of my pain. 

Oh, and PS: a true friend will always realize their mistakes, and find that sincere apology, and a true friend, one of beauty and love, will always forgive. Because another slice of that beautiful pie beating inside my ches, that grows larger every day, is forgiveness.  I will always forgive, I will never turn my back, although I will no longer break it to show you who I am.  Forgiveness is something I can always grant, but there is only one of you who can ever hope to see my trust again.  And that is really pushing it at this point.

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