Ozzy Osbourne Mama I'm Coming Home music video

The Last Road Home

Four-thousand plus miles, a tear for every one, a laugh for every 10, and a smile to complete the journey. Today anyhow, as I sit here in my room, three hours from the town I fled, my love sleeping beside me and my other love tumbling inside me. I do not think this will be an earth shattering entry, or a soul revealing monologue of the days since I have last written to you. Just a page to keep writing, to remind myself to let it out, to keep being honest, and to never forget the last two months journey into and out of my own personal hell. I am ready to go home. I finally have let it go, the anger, the betrayal, the enormous weight I carried with me through so many miles of my adventure. Little by little I began to heal, to break, and to heal again. I write now with a sense of peace, of nervousness, of excitment, and of faith in where the lessons I have learned will take me, and for what trials and joys lie ahead. I stood in the Gulf of Mexico, and laid it all down at God's feet. I asked for forgiveness, I asked for guidance, I asked for the ability to forgive, I asked for the ability to guide, and to allow myself to let this all go, to listen to God, and to always remember my faith lies in Him. I realized how I had placed my burdens upon the shoulders of a human who could not bear the weight, and had placed my faith in a human who could not lead the way. No man is built to be able to pull the rope of my despair, withstand the strength of my love, and understand the demons which I fight every day. The only being who was built to know my soul and my heart to the deepest extent is the Lord Almighty. The only shoulders who can bear my grief, tolerate my pain, and have patience enough to withstand it all until the days my happiness is king, is our King. My light never goes out in my darkenss, as I have been told numerous times by so many that I am amazing, and strong, and I inspire them with my strength. If I can light the way, even if only for a step, for other people with my misdirection and mistakes, then each moment of anguish was worth the struggle. I would go through this pain a thousand times over to reach the peace I have found in my heart. Do not mistake me, however, because I still hurt. I am not simply letting go of a man, but I am letting go of a dream. It is easy to let go when you have never come as close as I, but when for even a second, I had it in my hand, it is so hard to let it go. The moment I knew I was pregnant, I saw my future pass before my eyes. I saw the kisses on my belly, I saw the tears of joy in his eyes as he first held our child, I saw the look of pure love he gave me for giving him such a gift, I saw the smile on his face at the end of the aisle, I saw our first dance as husband and wife, I tasted the salt from his tears as we watched our first child be married, I felt the feel of his old wrinkled hands holding mine long after our children had left home, and felt the last breath I took in this world as he held me, his face unrecognizable with age except for those blue eyes. I saw it all, and it was beautiful. For that one moment, even though I knew our current situation was not perfect, I still trusted the imperfection that made me fall in love with him in the first place. Now even his blue eyes are unrecognizable, and as hard as I try to imagine how it felt when he looked at me with love, I can hardly see that face. I can only see the one that would barely make eye contact, the one who's eyes had all but closed the door to his soul, the eyes that lied to me saying I don't love you anymore, and even if I do not believe it myself, I choose to walk away and choose to believe that it is not worth it, that we are not worth it, and that you are not worth it. The hardest part was wondering why, why a man I loved so much could give up on me, could set my world on fire and leave me to burn, could add gasoline to the already out of control flames knowing that whether he poured it directly onto me or passed it to another, that I would suffer, and hurt, and that no matter how many tears I cried I could not put it out. I finally realized that it doesn't matter why, all that matters is he did not care enough to let himself care, and that my pain was not as important as him running from his pain. Realizing this, that his actions have so little to do with me, and so much to do with him, I am able to truly begin to heal. If his actions were a result of me, and his pain were all my doing, then he would have trusted me enough to let me know how he felt before it was at the point of no return. Instead he made one of the biggest decisions of our lives for me, and I never ever had a say. I thought I would always be burning, but again I was wrong. I admit I was wrong, and I was able to put out that fire because I was able to forgive myself and forgive him. Honestly, without regret, and with the intention set forth for love in my life, for myself and for other human beings. Without forgiveness, I would be the one who suffers, the one who poisoned my own soul, and the one left in agony. I gave it all to God, and I am not taking it back. So please, if you know me, and know my story, pray for all involved, pray for him, pray for our children, pray for the ones who have helped lift me up and find my way. I have let go, and I now move on. Thank you.

Honesty

Put your faith in God not man. Accept people are faulted. Believe when they hurt you it is because of who they are not who you are. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Ask for help. When you fall or fall short apologize with sincerity and get up and try again. Give second chances. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Appreciate beauty and try to remember without pain you could never truly appreciate joy. Never stop loving. That's honesty.

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