As usual I do not have the words or even the vaguest idea of how to express what has been going on in my head... I could not even point you in the direction where I am going with this, sitting here writing down whatever chooses to escape out of my id and is not clotheslined by my superego. All I know is that the urge to write began to brew and boil and we all know that when I get started with the words and the thoughts that we are only one tangent away from watching that van pull up with the men in their little white coats. Such is the dilemma of being borderline... well borderline me.
Its unbelievable the avalanche of change that has been occurring in my life... here I thought I had was going to settle down in this little valley with my cute little blended family and put bandaids on patients at the clinic for the rest of my life (ok I threw up a little bit too), and had convinced myself that I was happy to travel down the path of least resistance. Until this point you could say my life, as normal as I had desired to be, had never been normal or easy, and very little time after I hit my teenage years have I spent time on the direct route going from point A to B to find my bliss. Perhaps someone let me get drunk and drive the Delorian from Back to the Future with the number of giant leaps backward that I have taken, and then handed me a hover board and expected me to ride that forward over water. Fortunately its easy to choose out of a lineup the person responsible for the destinations of this blasphemer, and that would be me. So settling down, creating the nuclear family, and just being happy with the middle... I had convinced myself that my happiness was not in fact hidden in the farthest corners of the world, but actually had been right here in quiet little Glenwood Springs. And then God, the comedian that He is, said, look at her, all cute with her picket fence and cheap beer dreams. She thinks she's gonna... settle. Jesus, hold my beer and watch this.(And save your existential dilemmas, I have already referenced Christianity and Freud, the former which I suspect and the latter of which I am positive, did most of their significant writings whilst going up and down on cocaine binges..."God loves you, but you are going to burn in hell if you wear mixed fabric!"... sounds unstable to me. Both however, make some excellent points).
So, a bit over a year later, I sit here in the eye of the storm, contemplating where I need to go to find my bliss. I have happiness... but I lack contentment. No one, however, has done great things being driven by contenment. I can feel the electricity building up, getting ready to bring in something new. As dangerous as curiosity can be, I am ready to climb into the next rabbit hole, because it may be getting stranger, but it takes a lot to surprise me and I can't wait to find out what it is.
