Its hard to write, to organize the thoughts, to find the energy after another day of... fighting. The age old tale of good vs evil, of light vs dark,and on and on and on... the wearisome part is wondering how you can ever come up with a strategy to beat your enemy when the enemy is you? How does one convince themselves that the good part deserves to win, that we deserve to spend even a day feeling... good enough. Good enough and not guilty for feeling that way. Good enough and not afraid that it is just another peak and the valley is going to come oh so soon, and you never really know how deep it will get at the bottom. Or wondering once you get to the bottom if you will finally let the bad part win, the part that tries its damndest, even on the most wonderful days, to convince you that the good part doesn't really exist, that it is all just a part of you that died with your childhood, and exists now only to convince yourself not to give up, to keep fighting... that there is an end in sight. That someday I will look back at my plaque of bravery, and medal of honor, and say, "That was some war." Then I will drink my scotch by the fireplace, smile at the pictures of my kids, now off in college, and climb into bed next to my snoring husband and not think about the dark side again until I choose to entertain the thought.
But the truth is I don't think that day will ever come. I am already tired from tomorrow, because I know it will be another long battle, of trying my damndest to make sure my children cannot see who I fight. I will revel in the smiles that are real, and muster up the ones that simply serve to hide the bad parts. The ones that remind people that I also am smart, and funny, and love my children with my whole soul. I will get up, and hope that it is one of the good days, where I truly believe there is some good inside me worth fighting for, but to be honest at this moment, already tired from tomorrow's fight, it is so much easier to believe that the good part will never drive the darkness away. After all, its been around for so long I can't even remember where it came from, or why it came, or why it won't leave. And the most frightening thought... that I might miss it if it went away because I am afraid I won't know how to live a normal life after fighting for so long. I am not ready to surrender, but I am so tired of fighting.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
The Eye
As usual I do not have the words or even the vaguest idea of how to express what has been going on in my head... I could not even point you in the direction where I am going with this, sitting here writing down whatever chooses to escape out of my id and is not clotheslined by my superego. All I know is that the urge to write began to brew and boil and we all know that when I get started with the words and the thoughts that we are only one tangent away from watching that van pull up with the men in their little white coats. Such is the dilemma of being borderline... well borderline me.
Its unbelievable the avalanche of change that has been occurring in my life... here I thought I had was going to settle down in this little valley with my cute little blended family and put bandaids on patients at the clinic for the rest of my life (ok I threw up a little bit too), and had convinced myself that I was happy to travel down the path of least resistance. Until this point you could say my life, as normal as I had desired to be, had never been normal or easy, and very little time after I hit my teenage years have I spent time on the direct route going from point A to B to find my bliss. Perhaps someone let me get drunk and drive the Delorian from Back to the Future with the number of giant leaps backward that I have taken, and then handed me a hover board and expected me to ride that forward over water. Fortunately its easy to choose out of a lineup the person responsible for the destinations of this blasphemer, and that would be me. So settling down, creating the nuclear family, and just being happy with the middle... I had convinced myself that my happiness was not in fact hidden in the farthest corners of the world, but actually had been right here in quiet little Glenwood Springs. And then God, the comedian that He is, said, look at her, all cute with her picket fence and cheap beer dreams. She thinks she's gonna... settle. Jesus, hold my beer and watch this.(And save your existential dilemmas, I have already referenced Christianity and Freud, the former which I suspect and the latter of which I am positive, did most of their significant writings whilst going up and down on cocaine binges..."God loves you, but you are going to burn in hell if you wear mixed fabric!"... sounds unstable to me. Both however, make some excellent points).
So, a bit over a year later, I sit here in the eye of the storm, contemplating where I need to go to find my bliss. I have happiness... but I lack contentment. No one, however, has done great things being driven by contenment. I can feel the electricity building up, getting ready to bring in something new. As dangerous as curiosity can be, I am ready to climb into the next rabbit hole, because it may be getting stranger, but it takes a lot to surprise me and I can't wait to find out what it is.
Its unbelievable the avalanche of change that has been occurring in my life... here I thought I had was going to settle down in this little valley with my cute little blended family and put bandaids on patients at the clinic for the rest of my life (ok I threw up a little bit too), and had convinced myself that I was happy to travel down the path of least resistance. Until this point you could say my life, as normal as I had desired to be, had never been normal or easy, and very little time after I hit my teenage years have I spent time on the direct route going from point A to B to find my bliss. Perhaps someone let me get drunk and drive the Delorian from Back to the Future with the number of giant leaps backward that I have taken, and then handed me a hover board and expected me to ride that forward over water. Fortunately its easy to choose out of a lineup the person responsible for the destinations of this blasphemer, and that would be me. So settling down, creating the nuclear family, and just being happy with the middle... I had convinced myself that my happiness was not in fact hidden in the farthest corners of the world, but actually had been right here in quiet little Glenwood Springs. And then God, the comedian that He is, said, look at her, all cute with her picket fence and cheap beer dreams. She thinks she's gonna... settle. Jesus, hold my beer and watch this.(And save your existential dilemmas, I have already referenced Christianity and Freud, the former which I suspect and the latter of which I am positive, did most of their significant writings whilst going up and down on cocaine binges..."God loves you, but you are going to burn in hell if you wear mixed fabric!"... sounds unstable to me. Both however, make some excellent points).
So, a bit over a year later, I sit here in the eye of the storm, contemplating where I need to go to find my bliss. I have happiness... but I lack contentment. No one, however, has done great things being driven by contenment. I can feel the electricity building up, getting ready to bring in something new. As dangerous as curiosity can be, I am ready to climb into the next rabbit hole, because it may be getting stranger, but it takes a lot to surprise me and I can't wait to find out what it is.
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