Its hard to write, to organize the thoughts, to find the energy after another day of... fighting. The age old tale of good vs evil, of light vs dark,and on and on and on... the wearisome part is wondering how you can ever come up with a strategy to beat your enemy when the enemy is you? How does one convince themselves that the good part deserves to win, that we deserve to spend even a day feeling... good enough. Good enough and not guilty for feeling that way. Good enough and not afraid that it is just another peak and the valley is going to come oh so soon, and you never really know how deep it will get at the bottom. Or wondering once you get to the bottom if you will finally let the bad part win, the part that tries its damndest, even on the most wonderful days, to convince you that the good part doesn't really exist, that it is all just a part of you that died with your childhood, and exists now only to convince yourself not to give up, to keep fighting... that there is an end in sight. That someday I will look back at my plaque of bravery, and medal of honor, and say, "That was some war." Then I will drink my scotch by the fireplace, smile at the pictures of my kids, now off in college, and climb into bed next to my snoring husband and not think about the dark side again until I choose to entertain the thought.
But the truth is I don't think that day will ever come. I am already tired from tomorrow, because I know it will be another long battle, of trying my damndest to make sure my children cannot see who I fight. I will revel in the smiles that are real, and muster up the ones that simply serve to hide the bad parts. The ones that remind people that I also am smart, and funny, and love my children with my whole soul. I will get up, and hope that it is one of the good days, where I truly believe there is some good inside me worth fighting for, but to be honest at this moment, already tired from tomorrow's fight, it is so much easier to believe that the good part will never drive the darkness away. After all, its been around for so long I can't even remember where it came from, or why it came, or why it won't leave. And the most frightening thought... that I might miss it if it went away because I am afraid I won't know how to live a normal life after fighting for so long. I am not ready to surrender, but I am so tired of fighting.
